The Paradox Paper #39

Disturbed by love and Harry Potter

Did you know that it’s leap year this year? (Have you seen Leap Year? I think it’s way underrated as a romcom.) Anyway, February has an extra day. This somehow failed to provide me with any extra time to write this newsletter and succeeded in bringing February’s total number of days to 57. Why is February so long? Do I complain about the passage of time too much?

I’m going to do Yard Things this weekend. Specifically mow and rake my backyard in preparation to scatter clover seeds. Because the grass back there is terrible and TikTok has convinced me grass is whatever now. I like clover. I hope it likes us. Mostly I’m just thrilled that in Texas “early spring” means the 51st of February.

Welcome to The Paradox Paper, a monthly newsletter that honors the everyday paradox of a life with Jesus. If a friend forwarded you this email, click here to subscribe:

In this edition:

• A crowd-sourced book hunt

• As-good-as-takeout lo mein

• A tool that saved my neck

• Thoughts on the inconvenience of love

• A prayer for laying down our idols

SEND HELP
I love the Harry Potter books and re-read them often. I have what I think is a simple request. I want to find the adult version. But not that kind of adult version, you know? In the United States in 2024 with unlimited access to information it can’t be THAT hard. Maybe I’ve been too general in my search? Here’s some specifics about what I’m looking for:

• Nuanced characters, with at least on person to root for. I am uninterested in a hero with no flaws, and even less interested in an entire case of characters with nary a positive quality.

• A magical community existing within the non-magical human world. Magical realism rather than fantasy. Special powers, normal names. There’s a time for reading about the adventures of Tantarocaphyn Demagorshminax or whatever, but this ain’t it.

• Any romantic threads would be considered “tame” for the adult general market. I am happy for two grown wizards to fall in love and even make out a little, but I want them to close the door on the way to the bed, thank you so much.

• Bonus points for a school / training / recruitment setting.

For further context, here’s what I’ve tried so far that didn’t quite scratch the itch:

• The Magicians by Lev Grossman. I was so hopeful for this. An angsty main character unexpectedly recruited to a magically-concealed school for magicians! Perfect! Except that every. character. sucks. The writing is great! Grossman gives an incredible portrayal of dirtbags in all their forms. I gave up half way into the second book when it became clear that no one was going to have any sort of redemption arc.

• The Atlas Series by Olivie Blake. I have not given up on this yet, but the second book felt way longer than it needed to be, and again I’m wishing for a character—any character!—to have a more interesting motivation than “Oh no, I’m rich and powerful and depressed.” I am hopeful the third book may provide this.

ANYWAY. If you have read the HP for Grownups series I’m looking for will you please please tell me about it???

Lo Mein
I love lo mein. I do not love paying $100 to spend an hour telling my children to sit down and stop throwing their noodles at each other. I’ve made this about once every six weeks since I first saw it on TikTok a year ago, and it is a winner every time. This recipe includes some ingredients you can’t find at Walmart, but you CAN find them on Amazon, and I promise they are what make this recipe taste like what you get at a restaurant. Alice has several lo mein recipes on her site, and the sauces are all different. This is our tried and true. I’ve made it with all kinds of veggies and meat, but I never mess with the noodles or the sauce (except to make extra).

Neck Stretching Pillow
At the end of last month I had to write a ten page paper on one of my textbooks, and it took me a solid 30 working hours. 75% of which I unwisely completed on my bed, with my neck bent down toward my chest. My body wasted no time in letting me know what it thought of that decision. I had to order this neck pillow thing to make her shut up about it. 10/10 recommend if you ever stare at a computer in weird positions.

The truth about me is that my autopilot loves “anti-disturbance” mode. Disturbances are mostly defined as anything that might disrupt my comfort. Cute, right?

I am comfortable prepping and cooking dinner. Until the five year old comes in, sticking his dirty little fingers under my knife and begging to help. Then I am uncomfortable indeed. “This is a mommy job,” I say. And then, for the millionth time in my life, “Get out of the kitchen.”

Ninety minutes later, when the table is smeared with bits of food and greasy finger prints, the stove crowded with leftovers, and the sink piled with dishes, I’m uncomfortable again. I’m all alone in here! But the kids don’t know how to wash dishes or put leftovers away, and teaching them now would only make the job longer and more stressful. I’ll just do it myself and let them help another day when it’s more convenient. Convenience is another thing I’m always trying to protect. Loneliness seems a fair price to pay.

To float along with no ripples to muddy the calm surface of my life is what my autopilot calls peace. My autopilot works toward this peace constantly. Thrashing around frantically from one potential ripple to the next, all the while believing myself to be at rest. Almost. If I can just calm this ripple and steer away from that one, I’ll be at peace. In reality the never-ending cycle of comfort-management and convenience-protection is only drawing me further into myself. A person who wishes to float undisturbed must float alone. No loud shouts or scary waves. No squeals of laughter or cannon-ball splashes.

This peace is just isolation. This autopilot that wants to float me along in a world ruled by ease and predictability, never disturbed by anything so unsettling as another person, is more than a bad habit. It is an evil. An undisturbed life is no life of peace. It is a life without growth. Without love.

If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead. We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. – 1 John 3:14, 16 NLT

In his book Paul: An Apostle’s Journey, Douglas A. Campbell wrote, “People are what we might call, ‘extrinsic.’ We exist outside of ourselves.” In my efforts to exist undisturbed by others, I don’t just lose them. I lose me too.

Love is the way back.

A old professor of mine once said, “Fellowship just means two fellows rowing in the same ship.” I’m not made to float alone. Love compels me—as it compelled my Lord—away from my comfort and toward my companions. A deep, perpetual, holy disturbance.

Hold the paradox. Don’t panic.

-Steph

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