The Paradox Paper #34

Hello, hello, how are we?

We are getting in the swing of school. The oldest will have homework for the first time this year, which is “SO DUMB.” He cannot be bothered to discuss school once it’s over for the day, unless of course his younger brother shares an interesting story, in which case he has to top it.

The two year old still points with confusion when we walk out of the daycare without his brother. I remind him that Gus is in big school now. “Oh yeah,” he says. Oh yeah.

The middle remembers every detail of his day—the words on the behavior chart, what time lunch is, how many races there were in PE, which friends won each of those races, and all the words to the song he learned in Spanish class. He does not, however, remember how to hang his backpack on the hook inside his cubby. We all have different strengths.

I love school like this:

The rhythm of each day guards against my natural bent toward procrastination. The spirit of learning and teamwork energizes me. The many opportunities to notice and celebrate growth warm my heart. But a lot of my friends are more like this:

Either way, thanks for setting aside your excitement and/or mustering up the willpower to open this email. You’re doing great.

Welcome to The Paradox Paper, a monthly newsletter that honors the everyday paradox of a life with Jesus. If a friend forwarded you this email, click here to subscribe:

In this edition:

• An old favorite

• A movie that met and subverted my expectations all at once

• A poem of conversations

• A prayer from Psalm 86

Love & War & the Space In Between, Josh Garrels
What if John Mayer and Mumford & Sons had a musical baby? That’s Josh Garrels. “Farther Along” was my introduction to his music, and I was hooked. I listened to this album constantly in college, and somewhere since then forgot about it completely until two weeks ago. IT’S SO GOOD. The storytelling, lyrics, vocals, composition. Just a work of art, start to finish.

Cha Cha Real Smooth
This is an indie film staring Dakota Johnson and her costart/director Cooper Raiff. Andrew moves in with his mom after graduating college, as you do. In the process of deciding what to do with the rest of his life, he gets a job as the hype man for the bar- and bat- mitvah scene in his community. While at one of these parties, he meets Domino—a stunning, mysterious, and apparently single mom—and her autistic daughter, Lola. LISTEN. They made me think this was a romcom. And it is! It has rom! It has com! (At first you will think the entire plot is based on cheating. Push through that ick.) But it is so much richer than that, with so many other meaningful relationships and themes. This is a story about growing up, and how that process keeps going, no matter your age.

Sweet friends of ours got engaged a couple of weeks ago, and we had the joy of being present to witness it. The flurry of decisions and questions and planning that has ensued since that day has me diving deep into the well of nostalgia and reminiscence.

I was twenty-one when I said my vows, with nary a cloud on the horizon and nary a clue of the weight of those vows. We were as prepared as two fresh adults can be, and we were not prepared at all. How could we have been?

I wrote this poem two anniversaries ago, chronicling bits of conversations we’ve had over our eight short years together. I wonder what snippets might be added in the future? If I’ve learned anything—if I am any more prepared for a shared lifetime than I was eight years ago—it’s only that I know how little my knowledge and preparation counts for. If we have loved and suffered well, it is because Christ carries us.

Do you want to try again?
Are we gonna fight again?
I hate the snow.
I can’t stay in.
How can you sleep when I’m cleaning alone?
Don’t be so loud while I’m trying to sleep.

How long does grief last?
I don’t know how to fix you.
Can we go where it’s warm?
A fresh start,
A whole heart.
We’ll make it out.
We’ll find where we belong.

Are we okay yet?
I thought this would save us
Are we insane or are they right about us?
I don’t know what to do when he screams
I scratch his back and find belief again
If we survive will we be safe or just alive?

Do you think we need to talk to someone?
I thought leaving would mean healing
But these holes are just corroding.
I’m sick of the taste of cynic on my tongue.
I’m sick of the squeeze of fear between my lungs.
Will the hurricanes wash away the stain of unforgiveness?

Can we go to the park?
Let’s just watch the ducks.
Let the sweet heavy breeze soften our souls along with our skin.
Flush from the heat,
Walk, notice, repeat.
Let hope seep in all the way to our bones.

Is this what thriving feels like?
They take my questions as proof of my devotion.
They want your wholeness more than your performance.
Who are we now?
People who like church?
Look at you, taking naps!
Look at you, making plans!
I’m proud of us.

Can these scars be road signs?
Hope is this way.
Let our shadows be the shade where other souls can rest.
I’m with you, you’re safe here.
Let the space where we broke open
be the place where young things flourish.
Can you believe we get to share this life?

Hold the paradox. Don’t panic. See you next month!

-Steph

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