Telling the Truth in Faith
The Paradox Paper #41
It was Trevor’s birthday this month, so we did the traditional thing we do for adult birthdays. The non-birthday adult (me) hauls all three boys to Goodwill and they get to pick out whatever they want (with minimal guidance—dad does not want a baby bouncer) for the birthday adult.
It is hilarious, it builds the joy of giving into young hearts, and it is cheap. This year we got Trevor’s kid presents for under $5. A handheld donut shaped fan, the third book in a YA Christian fantasy series, and a mug shaped like the Grinch’s face. Lots of laugher and excitement, and baked-in memories.
Let kids do the birthday shopping. You won’t be disappointed.
Welcome to The Paradox Paper, a monthly newsletter that honors the everyday paradox of a life with Jesus. If a friend forwarded you this email, click here to subscribe:
In this edition:
An inspiring memoir
A book for better thinking
A word on forgiveness
A song for such a time as this
Be Ready When The Luck Happens, Ina Garten
I love cooking, and I love memoir, so I expected to enjoy this book. I did not expect to be taking notes and repeating lines to myself long after it was over. Ina’s willingness to take risks, her honesty when they don’t pan out, and her quickness to try again were inspiring and motivating. She has led a FASCINATING life (commuting between New York and Tokyo, anyone?) yet the way she writes about it is warm and self-aware. I know I’ll reread this.
Soundtracks, Jon Acuff
Pretty much everybody overthinks, and most of those thoughts are negative thoughts. What if instead of trying to stop overthinking, we could learn to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones? That’s this book. Practical, funny, challenging, empowering. Another one I’ll return to many times.
There is a formula for confession in this house. We don’t fool around with none of this “sorry you feel that way,” or “too bad your fingers got in the way of my shoe,” crap. We require our boys to state the offense, admit they were wrong, and ask for forgiveness.
I’m sorry I punched you when you weren’t ready to fight. That was no fair rules and I was wrong. Will you forgive me?
Sometimes there’s an explanation of reasoning if it’s relevant.
I’m sorry I hit you in the head with the door! I didn’t know you were standing on the other side and you’re the same height as the doorknob! Will you forgive me?
Confession feels simple. Not always easy, but simple. It’s just telling the truth about my actions, trusting that God will forgive. As a practice and a concept it has come more easily for me than forgiveness. Forgiveness feels abstract. Slippery. I realized just how much so when I asked my kids to define it.
Me: Hey guys! What do you think forgiveness means?
8 year old: They say sorry and you forgive them. *shrug*
Me: Right but what are you actually doing when you say “I forgive you?”
*Silence*
6 year old: Oh! Oh, um… you ACCEPT…. um, that they’re not going to do that bad thing again for a WHILE.
*Blinking*
4 year old: IT’S OKAY!!!!
Yeah. So I needed a better understanding and a clearer way to teach. I wanted a tidy definition. Something sturdy I can grab onto when it hurts. A handhold I can extend to my kids and students when they hurt. Something that can stand some white-knuckling.
The resources of Scripture are never scarce or skimpy. The Spirit does not hold back from us. I know that because of the frequency with which He answers my pleas for a white-knuckle verse with either 1) A Scripture I’ve never seen before or 2) An interpretation I’ve never considered.
Here’s what He gave me this time.
Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm, but the Lord will judge him for what he has done. Be careful of him, for he fought against everything we said.
— 2 Timothy 4:14-15
You’re probably smarter than me, but I had never drawn any kind of personal insight from this verse before, on forgiveness or otherwise. For a conflict-averse personality like me it’s even a little uncomfortable. Okay Paul, so this Alex guy hurt your feelings, fine. But why preserve it forever? Seems a little harsh.
I tend to assume forgiveness means never speaking of the wrong done, or never speaking of the wrongdoer. I could tell a friend “someone” hurt me in a specific way. Or I could tell them that a specific person did “something” to hurt me. But never both. To speak the whole truth about the whole situation would be slander, right? That doesn’t seem very forgivey.
Except that Paul isn’t slandering Alexander. Slander, by definition, is untrue. It is false speech spread with the intention to harm a person’s reputation. Instead, Paul is telling the truth about what happened and with whom. His purpose is not to damage Alexander but to keep others from being damaged by him. Paul does not keep the harm a secret for the sake of Alexander’s reputation or anybody else’s. He doesn’t so much a sprinkle some Christianese sugarcoating on top. Eh, that Alex, he’s a tough one! But you know, Jesus loves him! None of that. Paul just tells the truth.
It’s in naming the harm done that the need for justice is clarified. But rather than give in to the desire to seek his own vengeance, Paul affirms the Lord’s desire and ability to carry out perfect justice. In the mean time (because perfect justice isn’t always swift) Paul does not continue relationship with Alexander. He even encourages others to stay away from him. Wrong has been done that only the Triune God can make right.
It doesn’t seem that Alexander confessed to or repented of his actions, whatever they were, but confession is not a requirement. Forgiveness is a choice and responsibility that rests entirely with the one wronged.
Though feelings often follow repeated action, forgiveness is not a feeling. Though we may choose to act differently in response to an experience, forgiveness is not a one-and-done event, but a new habit of living that must be built over many repetitions. This new discipline is not one of acceptance, resignation, or avoidance. Forgiveness is a discipline of faith.
I hold onto bitterness (or more accurately, I let it take hold of me) because I am sure that if I forgive I will be excusing the wrong, letting the wrongdoer off the hook, and somehow sparing them the suffering I hope will come as a result of my continued grudge. But in fact forgiveness does the opposite of all this. Far from excusing the wrong, forgiveness names both the offense and the offender in specific terms. When I keep the one who harmed me on my hook of bitterness, they carry on without a care in the world while I am the one being strangled. By contrast, forgiveness frees me from the soul-suffocation of bitterness, and places the one who wronged me in God’s hand of justice.
So the question of Will I forgive? really comes down to, Where is my trust? Do I trust God’s justice or don’t I? If I believe His goodness and power is enough to right every wrong—that He will right this specific wrong that I’ve suffered—I can afford to lay down the burden of righting it myself. This does not mean, as in the case of criminal offense, that I never pursue the God-given systems of justice available to me via governmental authorities. Rather that I do not put my ultimate hope for justice in those systems.
What if instead of hiding from the hurt, or getting lost in made-up conversations in my head, or rehashing the story of harm one more time, I put all that energy into my faith muscles? What if I borrowed Paul’s words and offered them back to God as prayer?
John Doe did me much harm. I will not let him close enough to hurt me that way again. Instead I will trust the Lord, the all-seeing One, to judge him rightly for what he has done.
That sounds like forgiveness to me. Every time I remember the ugly words, the condescension, the rejection, the betrayal, the abandonment, the deception, I have somewhere to go with it. I have something to do. I name the wrong and the wrongdoer, and offer them to the Judge of all things. You handle this. It’s too heavy for me.
Speaking of justice, the words to the third stanza of this hymn feel appropriate both for this letter and this political moment.
“This is my Father’s world,
O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the Ruler yet!
This is my Father’s world,
Why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King,
Let the Heavens ring!
God reigns, let the earth be glad!”
Hold the paradox. Don’t panic. See you in next month!
-Steph
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